Giving a man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark bruises on his shins, so he asked "Do you play rugby or football or some dangerous sport?" "No" he replied, "I play Bridge with my wife!"
The Bride was walking down the aisle when she noticed the groom had a deck of cards poking out of his jacket pocket! She said "Darling, what are your Bridge cards doing here?" He looked her straight in the eye and replied "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
What did the husband say to the wife after she had bid and made a Grand Slam? ..... "You mean a great deal to me!"
Some people think that Bridge is a matter of life or death! Any competent bridge player will tell you it is far more serious than that!!
Often, men are like a deck of cards - You'll find the occasional king but most are jacks!
A Doctor, concerned about the physical condition of one of his bridge playing patients, during a regular check-up asked,
"Do you get any excercise?"
"Only when I sit East-West," was the reply!
A BEDTIME STORY
A bumbling bridge player explained to his friend how he planned to improve his game: "Every night when I go to bed I think about the mistakes I have made that evening at the bridge table."
"My gosh," his friend said, "How do you get any sleep?"
"I can see that you learnt to play today, but can you tell me what time today?"
PHYSICS
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some bridge players appear bright until you hear them speak in the post-mortem!!
The man who doesn't know what to do with his hands shouldn't try to play bridge!
IT'S NOT A CRIME TO PLAY BRIDGE - BUT IT IS A CRIME THE WAY SOME PEOPLE PLAY IT!!!
One reason why women play bridge is so that they have something to think about while they talk!
My wife made me join a bridge club.........I jump off next Monday!
"Sex is like Bridge, if you haven't got a good partner you'd better hope you have a good hand!" [Mae West]
A married couple, not speaking to each other after a horrible game are driving home from the Bridge Club. They pass by a field where there are many donkeys. The husband breaks the silence by asking his wife: "Relations of yours?" "Yes," she replies, "In-laws!"
Do you know the difference between a serial killer and a Bridge partner? Answer: You can reason with a serial killer!!
A lady is playing in a Bridge Club for the first time when she hears an opponent say "Alert!" The lady says: "I am alert!"
We had a partnership understanding - my partner assumed I knew what I was doing.
Something you can say to your partner after Dummy goes down: "Where is the hand you held during the bidding?"
People with small minds talk about other people. People with ordinary minds talk about events. People with great minds talk about ideas. People with warped minds talk about bridge hands!
On hearing she was going to have twins, a bridge playing wife said "Thats just like my husband! Doubling me when I am vulnerable."
16 REASONS WHY BRIDGE IS BETTER THAN SEX
1] The Ten Commanments don't say anything about Bridge
2] You don't have to hide your Bridge magazines
3] If your partner takes pictures of you at the table, you don't have to worry about them showing up in the tabloids when you're famous.
4] It is perfectly acceptable to play Bridge with a perfect stranger
5] When your regular partner is not available, they will not mind if you play with someone else
6] No one will tell you that you will go blind if you play Bridge by yourself
7] There are no Bridge transmitted diseases [except the compulsion to play more!]
8] Nobody expects you to play Bridge with the same partner for the rest of your life
9] When you see a really good Bridge player, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you at the table together
10] You can have a Bridge calendar on your wall at the office, tell Bridge jokes and invite co-workers to play without being sued for harassament
11] Nobody expects you to give up Bridge if your partner loses interest in it
12] You can still "do it" in your 80's, and people won't gasp in horror if they find out
13] A man doesn't need lots of finesse [s] to be successful ar Bridge, but then he needs some squeezes
14] The phrase "could be short" carries no negative connotation
15] If the partnership agrees on two over one, it wouldn't be considered an orgy
16] It is perfectly acceptable to hire a pro to play Bridge with once in a while